Waxing Sentimental

When I sat down to write this post I was planning to jot down a bunch of fluff. An empty calorie meander down memory lane of my time spent working with professional surfers on the World Tour. Thankfully common sense prevailed and I realized that would be utterly self-indulgent. Most of the stories of interest I can't share because of confidentiality reasons and the rest of them are probably only entertaining to me. Instead I've decided to share a side of the men on tour that I never suspected was lurking behind the scenes.

"This all must be a bit of a shock for a farm girl from Minnesota," quipped CJ Hobgood upon learning about my roots. Not having grown up immersed in surf-culture my introduction to the contest scene was indeed shocking. I've watched grown men tear holes in the privacy mesh to photograph Slater rinsing off after a heat (seriously?), witnessed the post-heat loss temper tantrums of Andy Irons and experienced the surreal moments of watching someone ride a wave with a hundred grom eyes staring up at me because I happen to be standing next to 'someone'. 

There was one instance at Lower's (Lower Trestles, San Clemente, CA) where I was standing with a group of Aussies as they were yelling in unison, "Get it grom, get it." to a man well into his 40's. He was shoving aside kids with ages in the single-digits to grab a board Kelly snapped in two. Un-freakin-believeable.

Like most things we don't have first-hand knowledge of, the tendency is to accept the stereotype. While I have met a few guys on tour who fit the Spicoli image, the vast majority of my experiences have been anything but stereotypical. I've discussed politics, the world economy and food allergies with Slater; the benefits of yoga, meditation and acupuncture with Taylor Knox; spirituality and how travel expands your world view with CJ. These men are well-traveled and intelligent. They just happen to make a living traveling the world to play in the water!

While it's hard for me to pick a favorite surfer, I can admit I have the strongest connection with Mick Fanning. Although I may go a season or two without talking to some of the guys, Mick and I seem to have this uncanny ability to cross paths several times a season. I first met Mick when he returned to the tour after suffering a complete avulsion to his hamstrings in 2004 and I was immediately in love. Such a fascinating injury for my brain to puzzle out!

Over the years our interactions have morphed from flirtatious to witty banter to philosophical. It has been fun watching him grow from a 20-something who prepared for a heat by listening to angry rock and slamming energy drinks to a 30-something who now prepares by sitting in half-lotus in a corner of the staging area with noise-canceling headphones quietly meditating.

"I just don't understand what it is Slater has that the rest of us are missing," Mick commented as we stood watching Kelly win yet another contest. "He's out there having fun, Mick. He's not focused on winning. He's merely playing. You need to get out of your head and start surfing from here. Always." I said as I playfully poked him in the sternum. "I'm trying, Shantel, I'm trying," he replied. 

Releasing the Past

Shortly after my last post a friend presented me with the opportunity to be a House Manager at a women's sober living facility. My first reaction was, "Oh hell no. There's no way I want to get into that." But then during my next meditation I was gently reminded that I wanted to be shown what my next step was, that I had said I wanted to be of service and I was open to anything. I seriously need to work on being more concise during my prayers!

This past month I've been mentoring, and sometimes parenting, a group of six young women in recovery from many years of drug use. It has been a challenging, frustrating and sometimes downright infuriating experience. Yet it opened my eyes to a way of looking at the world that I had never considered. Much like the people who try out being homeless to write about the experience. You just don't understand it until you experience it or become close to people who have.

For example, one of the women has been sick for the past few days and she finally went to urgent care for antibiotics. When she got home I asked her what the diagnosis was and it turned out she has severe bronchitis. In her words, "So the doctor is writing prescriptions and he gets to cough medicine with codeine and my eyes light up. He takes a second look at my chart and asks if I'm in recovery and I tell him yes. 'So can I write you a prescription for codeine?' he asks. I tell him technically yes, but ethically no. And then I start to think how great it would be to ignore the bronchitis and let it advance into pneumonia so I can land myself in the hospital on pain killers. Laying in bed all day watching TV with a nice IV drip keeping me high. Now how f*#d up is that?"

I'm beginning to understand the mind of the addict and how complex this disease is. The deception of others and of the self that takes place in order to fuel the addiction. Comedian Russell Brand was recently quoted in the Daily Mail that after ten years of sobriety he would still rather be an addict. There was a time when I would have read his interview and shook my head completely dumfounded. I used to think that drug addicts were simply trying to escape reality, but it is a much more complex illness.

All of this has presented me with an opportunity to revisit my past and heal long buried wounds. My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic and as a result of her disease we were never particularly close. I always viewed her as this bitter, mean old-woman who had screwed up her life and was blaming everyone else. After I moved from Minnesota I really didn't stay in contact with her and I didn't even bother to go home for her funeral. A choice I wish I could do over as I really should have been there for my mom, but instead I was caught up in my anger toward my grandmother for not being who I wanted her to be.

Working with these young women from a place of heart-felt compassion is helping me release the past. I've been gifted a chance to finally understand my grandmother which has given me a different perspective on my mom and her siblings. I am so incredibly fortunate that my mom was strong enough to break the pattern of alcoholism, allowing me to have a healthy childhood filled with fond memories of crafts projects, homemade ice cream sandwiches and snuggles on the couch watching movies. I am blessed beyond measure!

 

Lean On Me

I just can't believe it's already the middle of July. Or that I've been back from my travels nearly as long as I was gone! I used to get really annoyed when time would zoom by, until I realized that by being fully present in the moment my days felt more fulfilling. Being present allows me to enjoy what I'm doing, while I'm doing it, rather than focusing on what I haven't accomplished.

I'm also learning to let go of comparing where I am to where I think I should be. Or worse yet to where others are. It's such a challenge because it seems every year when my birthday rolls around I can't help but think, "Geez I really didn't think I'd be here at this point in my life." I have the hardest time breaking free from what I've been programmed to believe are appropriate accomplishments by the time one is 30, 35, 40, etc.

So at the tender age of 44, I'm finally realizing that so much of what I used to think was important just doesn't matter. Ever since I went through my divorce it's as if I've been on a mission to prove that I'm strong and that I can take care of myself. These past two years I've literally been forced to learn humility. I've had to reach out and ask for help. I've had to lean on my parents, my friends and even complete strangers. It has been the hardest lesson of my life, and yet it has opened me up to genuinely trusting again.

I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who are willing to support me. Who believe in me, sometimes even more than I believe in myself.

I Want To Be Like Jason

I find it so fascinating that oftentimes I set off to do something thinking, "I'm doing this because..." and a full ninety-percent of the time it turns out to be for completely unexpected reasons. When I closed my practice and left San Luis Obispo to explore Central America I had convinced myself it was to find what it was I want to next with my life. Of course the universe had other plans.

My three months in Central America turned out to be a super-condensed version of spiritual growth. A good ten years of psychotherapy crammed into sixty days, actually, because I'd conveniently kept myself distracted for the first thirty. I am exhausted. I am relieved it's all behind me. I am grateful for the truths I finally had the courage to face.

The pivotal realization is that I have been making myself miserable for roughly the past five years pretending to be something I'm not. Trying to conform to what American society expects my life to look like. Living a life that was no longer bringing me joy because it was more convenient than following my passion. Filling a house with things to create the illusion of stability to make my friends and family more comfortable. The pressure of keeping up the charade was slowly killing me.

“I want to be genuine and authentic and truthful." NBA Player Jason Collins stated in his Sports Illustrated coming-out article. Well, I want to be like Jason! The truth is I like to wander. I feel more comfortable with what others consider instability. I am not lost. I am not seeking anything other than to connect with people. To hear their stories and get a glimpse of their lives. Instead of honoring this part of me, I've been buying into the mass consciousness that I needed to have a successful business, a home and be a dutiful consumer.

As I write this I am sitting in the heart of consumerism, Orange County California. Surrounded by insane wealth and stores overflowing with so much stuff I sometimes have to remind myself that only a week ago I was living in Las Salinas, Nicaragua. Where the bus that's supposed to show up at 5 am turns up at 6:45. Where chickens, pigs, ducks, dogs, cats and the occasional monkey will mill underfoot in every restaurant. Where my ego became so incredibly bored that I finally sat still and got myself sorted.

Many of my friends are wondering when I'll be returning to San Luis Obispo and nearly everyone I know is asking me, "What's next?" Until a few days ago I honestly had no idea. You see I didn't get the answer to my one question until I returned. When I realized it was actually only a reminder, that I'd been given the answer five years ago, all I could do was chuckle.

Five years ago I was told during meditation that I needed to move to LA, I flat-out refused to do it. Why in the world would I leave a thriving business to start all over in a place where I had no friends? Three years ago it came up again. This time I tried negotiating...rather than move straightaway I would attempt to reach out in one community while keeping a solid base in San Luis Obispo. Of course that failed.

A few days ago I was in Redondo Beach having lunch with a friend when it hit me. I no longer have my business, home or a car. I have to start over somewhere and here I am...in LA. Yes, the universe does have a sense of humor! I'm not sure how long I'll be here; I only know it's where I need to be right now.