Shortly after my last post a friend presented me with the opportunity to be a House Manager at a women's sober living facility. My first reaction was, "Oh hell no. There's no way I want to get into that." But then during my next meditation I was gently reminded that I wanted to be shown what my next step was, that I had said I wanted to be of service and I was open to anything. I seriously need to work on being more concise during my prayers!
This past month I've been mentoring, and sometimes parenting, a group of six young women in recovery from many years of drug use. It has been a challenging, frustrating and sometimes downright infuriating experience. Yet it opened my eyes to a way of looking at the world that I had never considered. Much like the people who try out being homeless to write about the experience. You just don't understand it until you experience it or become close to people who have.
For example, one of the women has been sick for the past few days and she finally went to urgent care for antibiotics. When she got home I asked her what the diagnosis was and it turned out she has severe bronchitis. In her words, "So the doctor is writing prescriptions and he gets to cough medicine with codeine and my eyes light up. He takes a second look at my chart and asks if I'm in recovery and I tell him yes. 'So can I write you a prescription for codeine?' he asks. I tell him technically yes, but ethically no. And then I start to think how great it would be to ignore the bronchitis and let it advance into pneumonia so I can land myself in the hospital on pain killers. Laying in bed all day watching TV with a nice IV drip keeping me high. Now how f*#d up is that?"
I'm beginning to understand the mind of the addict and how complex this disease is. The deception of others and of the self that takes place in order to fuel the addiction. Comedian Russell Brand was recently quoted in the Daily Mail that after ten years of sobriety he would still rather be an addict. There was a time when I would have read his interview and shook my head completely dumfounded. I used to think that drug addicts were simply trying to escape reality, but it is a much more complex illness.
All of this has presented me with an opportunity to revisit my past and heal long buried wounds. My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic and as a result of her disease we were never particularly close. I always viewed her as this bitter, mean old-woman who had screwed up her life and was blaming everyone else. After I moved from Minnesota I really didn't stay in contact with her and I didn't even bother to go home for her funeral. A choice I wish I could do over as I really should have been there for my mom, but instead I was caught up in my anger toward my grandmother for not being who I wanted her to be.
Working with these young women from a place of heart-felt compassion is helping me release the past. I've been gifted a chance to finally understand my grandmother which has given me a different perspective on my mom and her siblings. I am so incredibly fortunate that my mom was strong enough to break the pattern of alcoholism, allowing me to have a healthy childhood filled with fond memories of crafts projects, homemade ice cream sandwiches and snuggles on the couch watching movies. I am blessed beyond measure!
