When Things Fall Apart

Pema Chödrön

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

It's been years since I've read Pema's book. I think I originally picked it up when I was going through a painful divorce. Not that there's any other kind, really. Given that this is the messiest my life has been since that other life-changing event, it is apropos I am once again drawn to her matter-of-fact-get-over-yourself words.

A few months ago, I was climbing the stairs to the bell tower of the Basilica in Quito chatting with a guy from Dallas, TX. I was amped up because I had just accepted the perfect job (retreat manager) in my favorite country (New Zealand). Mr. Dallas was curious when I said I'd been living in Ecuador since January teaching English. When the conversation shifted to my new venture he was down right envious. New Zealand seems to be the Holy Grail of countries for so many people, even those who've never been.

Assured by the person who hired me that they had successfully navigated the immigration process many times, I submitted my visa application and returned to California to wait out the process. Then everything came crashing down.

After months of answering questions, waiting, following up, submitting more documentation, more waiting, and working with my immigration case worker in Washington D.C., last Friday I received an overnight package with the verdict. I was so confident I'd been approved I had to read the letter four times before it sunk in. VISA DENIED.

“Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know.” ― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times 

For the past eight days I've been learning to embrace the not knowing. Accepting this life is all a great mystery, that there is something even better just waiting to be discovered.

At first it was difficult and all I wanted to do was blame. Blame the person who hired me for not doing her part to meet the immigration requirements. Hell, blame her for not knowing what the new requirements even were! Blame my caseworker for not interpreting my documentation the way I thought she would, or should.

Could have. Would have. Should have. Dialog designed to keep me stuck in the past and mired in suffering.

With each passing day it is becoming easier to see the light. Easier to awaken my curiosity and begin asking what's next. I've also become rather adept at taking a good look at my negative emotions. Observing them, comforting them, and then watching them shift and fall away. Thankfully I have Pema keeping me on task!

“We can step into uncharted territory and relax with the groundlessness of our situation; [we can] dissolve the dualistic tension between us and them, this and that, good and bad, by inviting in what we usually avoid. My teacher described this as "leaning into the sharp points.” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times