Vision Quest

How do I convey in words the experience of three days in the woods sitting in a twelve-foot circle without food? Only my mind, a few basic provisions to protect me from the elements, a gallon of water and countless critters. It was hard. (Fucking hard at times! I mean, let's be honest.) It made me question why all spiritual traditions have this element of suffering in order to connect with Spirit. Is it really so necessary? I still don't know.

I do know I felt a connection to all the people of this Earth who go to bed truly hungry every day. I never realized how hard it is to fall asleep when all you can think about is food. Any food. The ball of Spirit Food on my altar even started to look tempting...and it was a concoction of rancid bear fat, dried chokecherries and buffalo jerky covered in ants!

My mind. My ever-restless-go-go-go-drive-me-absolutely-crazy mind! And the pure bliss of the moments when it would go completely still and I would receive a juicy tidbit from Spirit. The little golden nuggets of clarity that made me laugh, and cry, and sing with joy.

My mind. The mind that turned the rustling of leaves into a puma about to pounce. The mind that tossed and turned all night long creating an imaginary spirit who morphed from a mouse to a bird to Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Is this what fasting does?

The animal spirits who truly did pay me a visit. The hummingbird with a glorious magenta throat who hovered inches from my face for what felt like an eternity. Reminding me to lighten up! Play you silly human as life is meant to be FUN! The bobcat who paid me a stealth visit in the middle of the night leaving only his footprints past my site...I didn't hear a thing! The deer in ones, in twos, in threes. Hopping past with their massive ears catching every subtle sound.

Letting go of my anger at always feeling so alone in this world as I realize I am the one who created this. Spirit has sent me all forms of support. Small pockets of community that are there for me if only I would learn to ASK! Friends always willing to help me if only I would LEARN TO ASK! 

Coming down off my quest and being embraced by one of my communities as Spirit gently reminds me, "See, you aren't alone. You are never alone." Having my dear friend Megan show up with hugs, smiles and food. I am not alone. I am never alone. Turning on my phone and receiving numerous texts asking me how I am. I am not alone...I am surrounded with LOVE!

Much gratitude for this Vision Quest! Not only the raw, challenging version from the weekend but also this daily Vision Quest we call life. Aho!